By Michael D. Goscinski, Assholeated Press – October 25, 2012
NEW YORK (AP) – A recent Assholeated Press survey reveals more than 80 percent of American parents who have children with Down syndrome have mistaken another child for their own.
A truth Jack Cleet of Intercourse, PA knows all too well. “I can’t help they look alike. I done brought my daughter Lindsay home and she done had pork and beans between her legs”, he confessed about a time he picked up the wrong child from daycare. “I just don’t git why some hippy would let their son at four have long girlie hair.” Though he refused to go into further details about discovering the “pork and beans between her legs” he remarked “if that was my boy, I’d be mighty proud”.
In an anonymous interview with a representative from Child Protective Services Assholeated Press learned “no laws have been broken”. The representative told us “physical similarities such as microgenia (abnormally small chin), mongoloid fold, a flat nasal bridge and a protruding tongue protect the parents from any wrong doing”. “It’s a simple mistake, not a crime” the representative concluded.
Despite Child Protective Services stance on the issue political groups on both sides are lobbying for the government to step in. The ACFU believes “the children should be paid restitution by the state for their suffering” while the Teabagging Party of Idaho “wants stricter laws to determine legitimate Down syndrome from illegitimate Down syndrome” with both sides suggesting “branding” legislation. “Something as simple as their initials branded on their wrists would dissolve the issue” a spokesperson from the ACFU told AP.
Several government officials turned down invitations from the Assholeated Press to be interviewed for this story. Though President Obama declined to speak, Vice President Biden said “the Republicans have launched a war on mongoloids, and now it’s time to stand up and fight back like Gengis Khan and the other great mongoloid warriors from the past”. Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney commented “I like Corky from Life Goes On. I like Corky. He should have won an Emmy”.
Samantha Yick of Muleshoe, Texas was “outraged” when she heard about the branding legislation. “They ain’t foolin’ me. They don’t care about no regular children, there ain’t no way in hell they care about disabled children.”