Attn.: Human Resources Dept.

Dear Mr./Ms. EmployerPerson(s),

A former trout farmer, I’m currently seeking position as a prosthetically enhanced quadriplegic gigolo to stimulate my writing career, per your “Seeking Live EpilepticElmos as FleshSybian” advertisement.

I understand the market is soft right now. I’m confidant there will be enough incentive money for the Dept. of ADA to approve your grant request.

Provisionally, I will continue to vend my urine to depilatory crème manufacturers. However, that market is also slow, and storage is of strategic concern. (shaggy — apparantly the new chic.)

My boys continue to work at the factory (before and after school, for no more than 6 hours, never past 10 pm, on a school night), sewing authentic hair on artificial vaginas, despite the latest FBI/ATF/PETA/UNICEF pantyraid. (our condolenscenses to the dead.)

My attempts to create a Co-Oop, designed to acquire the discarded unsightly hairslough of depilatory crème consumers in order to sell it to Artificial Vaginas ‘R’ Us factory has, quite frankly, been a bitter disappointment.

Anthropologically, we are saving our money to perpapetruate the world’s first traveling porn circus.

Thank you for reviewing my resumé and I look forward to hearing from you soon!