How you should break up with your girlfriend
*Make a new sexually transmitted infection out of hurt feelings
*Recreate the “Valentine’s Day Massacre” using her face and your penis
*Dress up like a killer whale before offering to go down on her like Sea World’s attendance
The PowerPoint slideument is in indigo Comic Sans, the elementary school bully type font that flushes my bathing suit down the toilet, tells me no I won’t go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance with you, chide me for dressing like a girl to ask a girl I really liked out to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. I made this blueprint a couple of years ago as a way to demolish too-good-to-be-true moments, Novocaine for my skin aching after my index finger and thumb gnaws on it.
How do you teach a master bridge burner to fear cinder and smoke, to save pillars of salt for the rims of margarita glasses instead of the soil of her hands, wean hammers off of photo frames, mirrors?
I close the slideument, hide it in the crypt of subfolders. I walk over to my closet and put on the flak jacket I made out of all my mistakes.